Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize