I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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