if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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