Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize