I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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