Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize