i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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