sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
