I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
