This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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