So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
