Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
