Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
