when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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