i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
