im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
