I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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