looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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