if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
