come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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