He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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