I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
