I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
