one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize