last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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