OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
