I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
