Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
