My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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