My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
