i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
