at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
