I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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