I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
