I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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