Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize