Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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