im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
