I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
