working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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