For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
