I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
