I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
