Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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