It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
