Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize