Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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