She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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