I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
