I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
