I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
