I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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