Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
