i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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