who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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