How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
