Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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