Your face is a jimmy john
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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