Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
