i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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