Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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